AUUUGHHH-Charlie Brown

Somedays I close my eyes real tight
And I scrunch up the rest of my face
And wish so hard to turn into something else

Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug

I promise I won't say anything stupid

No matter how badly I want to
I won't say anything at all

"dislike"

i have Debaser by the Pixies stuck in my head.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck DEBAAASERRRRRRR.


:[
fuck.

you so suddenly stopped saying sweet things

sincerely, you ditched me at the side of the road
you left a single cigarette on the nightstand
sincerely, you promised to return for it
i softly hummed a melody, awaiting your triumphant return
sincerely, your phone calls dwindled down to nothing
faded sweetly into a worn path of suffering
sincerely, you let me down without saying a word
i struck a match to light that cigarette
sincerely, you had left that cigarette for me
a moment of solitude with the last part of you i could harbor
sincerely, i took a drag and felt my lungs wince with regret
sitting in silence i face south knowing you're not coming home, but i
sincerely am not sure which direction i should take to get home


AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE

I've been watching Tales From The Crypt lately
And this morning I watched one called
And All Through The House
This show never really scared me
But the Cryptkeeper dressed as Santa
Is totally something I could have nightmares about
"Honey, I don't think even Santa could wake up your stepfather..."

real talk

my oldest sister called me today
cutting to the chase:
she and my brother in law are divorcing

apparently they filed nearly 2 months ago
and i just found out today
:[
i am so out of touch with my family
first thing that upsets me about the situation

next
what does this mean for me?
my parents divorced when i was 15 years old
one of my sisters separated from her husband a little over a year ago
the only thing hindering the divorce being finances
and now my eldest sister...
the one who seemed to have it all so right
each duck neatly in a row
suffering from yet another failed marriage
my future looks so dismal if i am anything like the women in my life

i don't want to hurt somebody like that
i don't want to ache like that
the thought of marriage has become an anxiety of mine
i have strived so hard to become comfortable with the thought of life with a new guy
life without dave
so i worked hard to get to where i am now...
but what happens when things escalate to marriage?
it's early to talk about things like that
considering i'm not even dating anybody anyway...
but the thought it constantly there

where does this discontent stem from, that my sisters and mother experienced?
how can i avoid it?
...do i need to avoid falling for the opposite gender?

i hate questioning my feelings for people
because i pay way too much attention to that whole
"the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" thing
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i'm going to see The Room again tonight.
A WIN.

scoot along

on this day
march the 23rd
of the year 2010

a scooter gang
has been born

name and further details to follow

3:00am

Good Morning, Crystal
You are now experiencing what we call
WORD VOMIT.



fucking.

such a fantastic monday

i am excited for video games
and movies
with you

to the point
where i was talking
about it
all day at work

you bring out a side of me
that target seldom
gets to see

i'll have them send you the
thank you letter

:D

count spectacula

they tell me time flies
and i'm sure it does for some

but i keep on counting down
the minutes
until i get to see you walk by

even if you don't stop in
just for you to bang your fist
gingerly on the big store window

and a smile to offer me
that smile
is mine to keep

and this counting
it's gotten me
closer to insanity

so much that i find myself
counting for no reason at all
counting little black sheep
the ones i drew on my arm

i count until i can finally stop
and i can only stop once i see you

so i continue counting
and i've counted all weekend

hoping that maybe
today will end that streak
of days i don't see your face
when our interaction doesn't leave
the realm of text
when i get to smile for you
and i get to take my smile
that you grant me with your presence

and it's days like today
that i don't love him anymore
days where the sun
is outshone by that grin
that you so willingly offer up
almost sacrificially
but i am so much more grateful for it
than any god to have existed
then and now

i can't offer you salvation
from a fiery furnace
but i can offer you a solemn promise
that i can be the girl you count on

and so i continue to count another day

the early bird gets the bathroom

i know my roommate doesn't know any better
because she doesn't know my work schedule
but i cannot help but be irked
every time that i need to be to work
early in the morning
and she somehow also is up already
and beats me into the shower

i just know that she is going to take
FOREVER
in that bathroom

and i am going to be running late for work
which i don't care about
save for the fact that i want to get
my work day over with
cause the weekend is about to begin

POS and Dessa two nights in a row
Ander is gonna be in town
I am excited
:]
Have a great weekend, Milwaukee

intro to oblivion

my chest tightens up
and it gets hard to breathe
when you tell me
that i've been hostile
toward you lately

for that i am so sorry

i just
have a bit of a wall
that hasn't let me
have a serious relationship
in over a year and a half

i am working on fixing this
if you'll help me

straight edge revenge

tonight i got pulled over
by a sheriff
on 1-94 westbound
by the pettit ice rink

the cop approached my open window
asks me where i'm coming from
"work"
asks me where i work
"brewing grounds. coffee shop on the east side"
asks me what time we're open til
"midnight tonight"
asks me what i was up to after work
"we went out to grab sandwiches"
asks me if i had anything to drink tonight
"nah"
asks me again, if i had even one cocktail with dinner
"nah. i actually don't even drink sir"
in disbelief, says "really? not at all?"
"no. not ever. girl scout honor"


"well i'm sorry miss schmidt.
you have a good night
and drive safely
on your way home"

"yeah...you too, sir"

that was interesting, to say the least.


also
at this rate
i'll never have to buy myself
another coca cola again
:] so, thanks again.

peas and carrots

i am so fucking tired
i want normal sleeping patterns back

i am cranky this morning because of it
i should've been so ecstatic

you came to meet me
as soon as i got to the shop
and it made me smile
and you brought your lego spaceship
to show me
the lego man's face
and it made me smile

but i am so tired
that it's making me irritable

and the entire past week
has been hell for me
in a few different ways
and i've tried to remain compassionate

but i think i'm losing it

i think i'm losing hope
but i've got it so bad
and you act like it's nothing
when you and i brush arms
but it's the world to me

the ides of march

i want so badly to grab onto your hand
and feel you squeeze mine back
just so that i can have that feeling
that things are alright
that i'm going to be fine
eventually

when you touch the back of my neck
my heart beats too fast
for my brain to keep up
so i just let my eyes roll around
in their sockets
for the brief moment

saturday and sunday nights
collectively
i slept a total of maybe
5 hours
broken up
with involuntary jolts
no recollection of what i had dreamt
but the cause doesn't need to be determined

tonight i sit in my yellow chair
at brewing grounds
knowing well that
i need sleep
in order to function
but also aware of what i will go through

i wish i had somebody to talk to me
until i grew exhausted
and just passed out
pleasantly

fuck it
i'm gonna go home





thanks for the coca cola.
thirst-quenched.

$8.06

Yesterday was slated to be a wonderful day
An escape to Chicago
With my best friend
To be nerds
And play with other zinesters

We left bright and early, hoping to make the
9:05 Metra from Waukegan to Chicago
We raced into the parking lot
With few minutes to spare
Threw some coins into the parking meter machine
Took our ticket
Ignorant of the fact that we only had enough
Money to get us til 4:00pm
WE HAD TO GET ON THIS TRAIN

Standing on the platform
We await the arrival from the train
Coming from Kenosha
All eyes are pointed north
Jennell and I neglected to take into account
That it was St. Patty's Day weekend
Two black and white coats
In a sea of green

The crossing signs light up
And start ringing
Alerting us that the train
Was approaching
To remain behind the yellow lines
On the platform
A designated safe zone

We all stagger onto the train
Find appropriate seating
And wait for departure
The train is delayed
Until further notice
We are informed that an
"incident"
Has occurred at the North Chicago stop
And authorities are dealing with it
But that we cannot leave
Until we are given the OK from them

So we wait...
About 2 hours
Turning our hour-long ride
Into a 3 hour ride from hell
We went into this ride blindly,
Jennell and I

As we near North Chicago
A Conductor announces over the loudspeaker
That authorities suggest parents not allow their
Children to look left as we pass through the station
That perks the entire train up
Morbid curiosity kicks in
And Jennell and I decide we will gawk with the rest
Of our companions on this train ride

We roll into North Chicago and to the right
I see authorities and crime scene tape
Normal enough, I figure
I was expecting to see blood to my left
But what I saw
I will never forget
A body
No blood
Just mutilation
With a tarp draped
Oh so clumsily over it
My gaze moved to the back of the seat in front of me
My eyes widened
Pure horror
The train had stopped
I could have screamed
It felt like the 2 hours we'd spent in Waukegan
Were spent here
With the recently departed
My eyes welled up with tears
My stomach clenched with guilt
Why did I look?
The train began to roll out of the station
Figuring I would just stare out the window
Avoid eye contact or otherwise with everyone
That it would be safe
We hadn't quite cleared the platform
I stared to my left
Eyes still wide
A shoe
I tried to laugh it off
An attempt to desensitize myself
My forehead scrunched up
A limb
Left uncovered
I exclaimed
I hung my head
Sick to my stomach
As the people around me
Carried on normally

We eventually picked up the riders
From train number 806
A train full of people
Completely fucked
From one of two experiences that day
On the outside I was morose
But my insides were crawling

Chicago was fabulous
We decided to not let this ruin our getaway
We carried on like normal humans
Zinefest was really great
Met a lot of great artists and writers
A lot of people I want to meet again in the future
Accrued so many zines it made my backpack too heavy
To feel comfortable carrying
Great success

That normalcy faded
As we headed north on Wabash
Standing at an intersection
As cars zoomed past us
We finally talked about what happened
I went hysterical
The spaced out look returned to my eyes
I grew frantic
As I recounted what I had seen
I had become so maniacal
Jennell tried to hush me
I grew louder
At least to me I did
I swear my shouts echoed off of the buildings
I could never do that here in Milwaukee
But somehow, Chicago heard my pains that day

We found a hole in the wall pizza place
With great Chicago style slices
$5 got me a slice of pepperoni & a soda
More normalcy as we sat in the window
Pointing out funny drunkards
But my insides were secretly festering
Across the street was an anti-cruelty shelter
We visited the dogs
Smiles adorned our faces
As we grew giddy over the antics of puppies
I felt warm inside, if only briefly

We wandered back to the train station
Jennell bought Jamba Juice
Razzmatazz
Hopped onto our train that was boarding
The 5:10 train to Waukegan
An express commuter
Boarding at stall number 13
13
13
How lucky for us

We sat on the lower deck again
Eventually joined in our car
By a group of rather drunken
Middle aged
Skidmarks on the earth's surface
One of them
Who we thought was decently sober
Enough to listen to, at least
Enlightened us as to what really happened
That morning
Told us how a man and his daughter
Were crossing the tracks
Trying to beat a train that was heading inbound
Train 806
His wife and their 1 year old goddaughter in tow
He and the daughter made it safely to the other side
But his wife was struck
Baby sheltered in her arms
She died instantly
The baby died at a hospital in Waukegan a few hours later
The image of that scene
Became so vivid in my mind
I sat quietly and listened to my ipod
One earbud in my ear
The other in Jennell's
As the train ride ensued
The fools among us became
More obnoxious
More insensitive
More subhuman
As they persistently brought up
This "murder train" they were on
I became increasingly disgusted
With what piles of garbage
Were sitting in seats in front of me
Jennell sensed my discomfort
And that the conversations amongst
The group were taking a turn for
Even worse
She placed the other earbud in my lap
Told me to put it in
To turn up my music
That we would be home soon
That things would be OK

We pulled into Waukegan
I had fallen asleep
I asked where we were
Jennell informed me
We were going to begin
The second leg of our journey
Back to Milwaukee
Where I was itching to be again

We got to our car
Drove off down Washington Street
As we drove away from the red light
We sat in that car
Windows rolled up
And we screamed
And then we screamed some more
FUCK
Simply
It made me feel relieved
To a certain extent
Not entirely
But I needed that release
Because I couldn't do anything more

I barely got sleep last night
With the loss of an hour
And jolting myself awake
Every 30 minutes
And requiring another 20 minutes
Just to fall back asleep
I would say I got maybe 2 solid hours of sleep

Work
Target
10am-3pm
Cashier
A wreck
Cute children
By the bushel
A cell phone ringing
You Are My Sunshine
What's the matter?
Crystal
Crystal
Hey...
You're crying
I didn't even realize
My eyes held a gaze
With the woman on the phone
She didn't know
Only I did
I shrugged
And continued to scan

Beep
Beep
Beep
Your total comes to
8 dollars
and 6 cents
Press cancel for credit







I am not OK.

triple double tuesday

I have a problem.




That's the first step


right?

you missed out on dinner

Godspeed.

I went for a run down to Bradford beach today
To reflect on my life
The last year
And the progress made throughout it

Bradford beach is where
Jennell and I went
When I found out my brother
Had had a stroke
But I wasn't allowed
At the hospital yet

So a year later
Here I am running back
Literally
To the place where I kept my sanity
If only for that day
A place that created an ounce of clarity
In this clouded jar that was my life



I ran up to the water tower
And found a convenient tree stump
To rest on and reflect
It was beautiful out today
It was beautiful out
March 3, 2009

It's hard to think
How close we were to losing you
Nothing can change that feeling
The one where you can't breathe
Because it hurts so bad
What hurts?
You're not sure
Maybe nothing
But it feels like every thing
Like every bone in your body
Is breaking
And your heart stops pumping
And you have to keep reminding yourself
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
Blink
Inhale
Exhale
Chin up
Inhale Blink
Exhale
Weep
Inhale
Inhale
Inhale
Inhale
crystal
Crystal...
CRYSTAL!
Let it all go
And finally you exhale



To conclude,
I take this opportunity
To thank my brother for being so strong
And to congratulate him
On his progress made
And on being able to drive a car again
Despite everything the doctors told us
You are my biggest hero
And I love you
Don't ever fucking question that

i would make a good girlfriend, guys. i told you!

2:36amMatthew
I seriously love you crystal
you are the coolest person ive met in a long time
if ever
I love hanging out with you
You make me feel at home in milwaukee.

2:37amCrystal
that makes me feel good about myself, matt. i feel like a lot of my personality and interests go unnoticed by a lot of guys.

2:37amMatthew
i think you are an amazing woman
you have a lot of quirks that only a guy that you should be with would understand
fuck everyone else
make sense?

2:39amCrystal
absolutely.

2:39amMatthew
there are a lot of stupid people in the world
most people
actually
I look at you as a really good girl
i love you
Is that crazy?
I dont really care if it is actually

2:41amCrystal
it's not crazy. i hold you in very high regard. affectionately.

2:41amMatthew
You are probably only one of like 3 people i have ever met in my life that actually get me
you are like a Little female smart version of me
You are so smart, and so funny

2:42amCrystal
ahem. matthew, you are smart!

2:43amMatthew
im not really that smart
you are pretty smart
i am ok with not being that smart
i am used to it
i am smart in ways I am comfortable with

2:43amCrystal
that makes you smarter than you'll ever know, matt...

2:44amMatthew
You are a goood girl crystal.
i am secretly in love with you
if you tell anyone I will kill you

2:44amCrystal
well make sure i don't find out

2:44amMatthew
You better not
Ill be pissed
You're officially my favorite person in Milwaukee
Youre like my best milwaukee friend

2:46amCrystal
knock knock

2:46amMatthew
I am so so so so so glad I met you
whos there?

2:47amCrystal
your friend crystal...and she's always gonna be there

2:47amMatthew
hahahaha
aw

2:50amCrystal
i like you a lot.

2:50amMatthew
I know you do
And I dont know what I want
You would make a good girlfriend crystal
You are an awesome person
I seriously love you
I love being with you
I love talking to you
everything
I love the way you look at me
and the way you talk to me
and the way you care about what I tell you
and how you think my stupid jokes are funny
even though I know they arent

2:52amCrystal
i'm not even laughing just to flatter you. corny jokes are my weakness.
you've made my heart feel all sorts of weird on me.

mewithoutyou

Me without you
is like
...
a sneaker without laces
...
a geek without braces
...
asentencewithoutspaces

to sum it up,
i am fond of you.

"What's more sad than
not caring
is when someone cares
so much
that they lose sight
of their ultimate goal"

sometimes i say profound shit
to people who actually listen



lucky me

EDIT: today 16 people were arrested while protesting the UWM tuition hike.
andrew told us this wicked story about it.
i admire their passion.
solidaridad.

i love you, ono

i don't even know what you mean
when you send me off to sleep at 3am
with links to songs about love
but i can't say i dislike it


bacon cheeseburger pizza at ian's is GOD
that's right...
the deity
it even has pickles on it
way to go, ian's
you know the way to my heart
right through my taste buds

and i am tonally fine
with having to be up
in 5.5 hours
to work

looking forward to my first run with milam
tomorrow afternoon
i hope we are a good match for running buddies
:]


this summer is going to be rad
i decided today
mark those words.

simply put

things are not the same between us



and i don't blame you
not in the least bit
i just don't have anybody else to call my best friend

be cool, hunny bunny.

"i like living the life i have now.
not crazy and exciting.
i have time and patience to
see small cool things"

...

"like you."

i saw your eyes go from lowercase to capital

i want more than just late nights with aqua teen
and dinosaur chicken nuggets

let me count the ways...

i wonder if you talk to your friends
about all of the late nights spent
in the company of one another

or if other people would even understand
the level of companionship we have

the way i look at you
when i am steaming milk
for another man's hot cocoa

it's a rickety bridge

i feel a lot better
when i get things off my chest

i did that a lot yesterday

tonight i go see shutter island
pretty excited
heard mixed reviews about it

over the weekend
i saw the room
with matt
that was really nice



thanks for sharing your popcorn
really.

afterthought: the oriental is pretty great

It's Monday.

Usually I wake up every morning feeling like P. Diddy


Today I woke up feeling like Arthur Fonzarelli


Exponentially cooler than P. Diddy


amiright?