made like us

my skin feels really soft today
comic books are moving in next door to brewing grounds
graphic novels are moving back into my life
jennell and i live together (with milam, too)
i got a fixed gear bicycle for free
i love katie for it
alex is moving to bay view
his apartment is extravagant

henry rollins and hanging out with jay on friday
this could be the last time i ever see him...
and he still has no idea
what the last four years of my life have been like
today i'm wearing a sweater i got when i was with him
and i'm listening to a vinyl he bought me for my 21st birthday
to celebrate my straight edge
strange.

i finished reading the love and rockets book Locas...
i'm in love with it, deeply.

i have a positive attitude.
which is the most i ever ask for anymore.

this morning's got me thinking.

the shop is super dead.
i've been brushing up on useful trivia
and staring at the strip of photos
that i stuck on the side of the coffee grinder
last winter
you're still the only boy i've been in love with since
and i will continue to believe that things will fall into place
if i just enjoy life in the meantime
GOONIES.

last night begun BARREL O' PORN 2010
we watched Tales From The Clit Vol. 22
which is a compilation of fucks
with various actors
it was pretty hilarious
a little weak at first, though
then there were some with a little more plot
which were more enjoyable
the filming was low quality
and you could see lighting and reflections in everything
and it was clearly filmed in somebody's home
my favorite part was when it was a jail setting
and the girl was on top, grabbing onto the wall of the jail cell
and the wall was moving quite much
in what was allegedly a PRISON, people

i got a fortune two nights ago
"Travel is in your future."
i'd like to believe that's true

and i'd like to view this as a fortune as well
"if you hop on a plane right now,
you'll be in my bed with enough time for a nap
while i make you breakfast"

i'm trying.
to find somebody.
that i can tolerate.
whose hands fit mine.
someone comparable.
i want to do romantic things this summer.

all star game tonight.
GO NATIONAL LEAGUE!
trivia tonight.
GO DROIDS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!

and that's when i learned i could scream.

my roommate has stolen things from me
not so much stolen, perhaps
i propose it should really be considered
HOARDING
for she can't possibly have purpose for
a broken PS2 console
or the collector's tin of Band of Brothers
or two seasons of Da Ali G Show
but these are all things that are sentimental to me
things that hold no monetary value to me
but that i find importance in
because of the history behind them
how i acquired them
from whom i have acquired them
people i don't have in my life anymore

i've been biking 20+ miles daily
on a pretty regular basis
to get back in shape
to release endorphins
to release pent-up aggression
to regain my confidence
to stick my own little middle finger
in the air at BP
and the intermingling of big oil companies
and politicians in the gulf
to do my part to stand up for the animals
being affected, and killed, in the name of black gold

two weeks ago i got a cooler thrown at me
from atop an abandoned building
and my best friend picked a padlock
that was put on our bike lock
went to minneapolis for soundset
and stayed at joe mabbott's house in st. paul
went to california-berkeley/oakland/san francisco
didn't eat meat for a week
didn't eat dairy/meat for 4 days
and now i'm home!
and moving!

jennell's back at the shop!
STOKED!

the truth is...

i'm scared.
of a lot of things right now.
i maintain composure, mostly.
and i am excited, don't get me wrong.
but also terrified.

cutting the tie between family and self.
becoming an actual adult.

my cell phone isn't turning on.
i owe milam 300 dollars for a security deposit.
soundset is next sunday.
i go to berkeley next week.
i don't even know why.
i'm staying in milwaukee.
the visit might be cleansing
who knows.

i don't have 300 dollars.
i have 18.50 until friday.
i tried asking my mom for a little help.
no response.

i want to take a nap
but can't
because my cell phone is my alarm
and i am scared i won't get up in time for work
if i let myself nap a bit

last night i dressed as an Ewok
and roamed the east side
with my best friends
it was lovely
i got a lot of hugs
i always feel happier when i'm something else
that sucks
becoming less comfortable with yourself
hopefully this summer things will readjust

more biking.
take more hours at target.
temporarily hate my existence.
new house.
new roommates.
new landlord.
new cell phone.
new job.
sell car.
bike more.
keep giving brewing grounds my love.


my stomach hurts today.

Revenge of the Fifth...of May

Today's May 5th
Cinco de Mayo
Which is a great thing to celebrate
But yesterday was Star Wars Day
And I'd like to carry that on further into May
So today is...
REVENGE OF THE FIFTH

Hit the jump below to a cool video of a cockatiel
whistling the imperial march.
I'm gonna go sip on some virgin margaritas
and channel my inner Sith.

...

::SIGH::

i'm a terrible person

two nights ago
i shit you not
i had a dream
that bob uecker
the man behind
the voice of baseball
at miller park
DIED

and yesterday
it was on my mind
all day
what would baseball
in my life
be like without
BOB UECKER?
it would be terrible

last night
in the bottom of the 8th
i disclosed this with jennell
in the midst of so many fans
and bob uecker himself
at miller park
i told her of my dream
and we discussed how baseball would change
she said not much, there'd be other commentators
on the radio

but for me
it's so much different
bob uecker is a legend
to milwaukee
40 years!

and then i find out
he will have heart surgery
on friday
removing him from baseball
and the radio
for 10-12 weeks

i feel to blame
entirely
shoulda kept my mouth shut
baseball superstition at its finest, folks

FUCK

april 26th, 2010

on this day
casey mcgehee hit a grand slam at miller park
against the pirates
i memorized carlos gomez' batting ritual
i shared 12 hot dogs with my best friend
and felt pretty decent after the fact
i got my 2nd career BP home run ball
in left field
hit by a pirate
took photos of ballhawk shawn
great friend
greater ballhawk
wore a dress to a baseball game
sat by a ton of great little kids at the game
including a 3 year old
that we taught how to throw up the horns
cause that's punk rock
made a lot of funny faces
and serendipitously ran into
a kid that we saw the last time we took the bus to a game
and exchanged names, formally, this time
successful. very.

i am happy with life
today is another dress day for me

and i can't get you out my head

living with zombies, invincible

you
are you
wonderful are you
wonderfully caring you
you are wonderful
you are
you

i am enamored
by this boy
and his comic collection
and how he cares
to make me laugh
he shares those comics with me
and i want to hold his hand so badly
i get all sorts of anxious around him

and i still cannot stop listening to astronautalis
i want warm weather-NOW
cause dresses are chilly in this shit
and i want to wear them so badly
brewers game tomorrow
to take photos for shawn's blog
and tomorrow night, seeing jordan
:] which is lovely

marvel saga

"The time has come" Miss Crystal said
"To dream of many things"
"Of DOOM & Hulk & Squirrel Girl"
"Of Magneto & The Thing"
"And why Human Torch is boiling hot"
"And whether Grasshopper has wings..."

<3

spent last night reading comic books
by myself
at brewing grounds
didn't stop
til i realized it was 2am
and that i should maybe go home and sleep

::sigh::
round 2, this afternoonski

deadpool

with my head on your shoulder
you grab my hand
and kiss my forehead
so adoringly
i look up at you
for reassurance
and you smile

bought a new dress today
upon hearing news that the house
we wanted is no longer available
:[
jordan asked what it looks like
"besides pretty...'cause that's a given on you"

i've been blasting astronautalis in my car all day
such win

4:45am

A shoulder to lean on
Not for the sake of sympathy
But to allow me to rest my eyes
Is something I could get used to

Tonight ruled.
Aqua Teen.
Mighty Boosh.
Goblin Sharks.
Frilled Shark.
Showing off scars.
Cold Hands.
Warm eyes.
Cold nose.
Warm smile.

All while Astronautalis
Sang songs
About what I want to have
In life

I'm so damn happy.

Last night Ann Coulter saved my life

I've been wearing skirts and dresses a lot lately
Less restricting
I feel good in them
And people notice that I am in a different mood

Madonna makes me want to dress like this
I've been listening to a lot of her music lately

Last night I put fake blood on my face and neck
And did zombie dances until twilight
With a bunch of comrades
Who also hate Ann Coulter
We laughed and sang
And changed the lyrics to our favorite songs
To be about zombie solidarity
And then we sang New York Taxi...
And it reminded me of how dearly I love my life
This city is something so great
Milwaukee
Just the sound of that
It's enough to make me smile
Soy de Milwaukee
And this is where I belong
And all my friends sing the same songs I sing
And link arms to chant those words
To scream "fuck" at the top of our lungs
With rolled up windows
To denounce public displays of affection
I don't have this with anyone else, anywhere else
I have it in my lovely city of Milwaukee
:] :] :] :] :]

Squirrel Girl may have met her Deadpool, folks.
Could be an interesting summer
Tune in for the next issue!

I am

Happy
Being
Single

Have been

But some days...
I just miss certain things
I miss summer mornings
Waking up in your bed
Under a big red blanket
The cool morning breeze through the windows
The sound of little kids at summer camp
You left a note full of love
On the end table

I appreciated it
All of that

My pieces are still broken, I'm afraid :[
I think about the wrong person when I think of loving
Somebody I'm not allowed to love anymore
Somebody who stopped loving me
All of that weird, fucked up, circumstantial shit

BREWING GROUNDS NEEDS LOVE!

http://kck.st/bDKUgR

Donate to Brewing Grounds
via our Kickstarter
and get awesome rewards
for your generosity!
The more you donate,
the better reward you'll receive!
So click the link I posted above
for details on how to help!

<3 LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

passive aggressive woman rant

i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this bullshit.
jesus fuck.

how can you go from caring SO fucking much
and then become so blinded by the opposite gender?
to the point where you neglect your priorities!

what sucks is that i told you that you were
one of my best friends
that you were so dear to me

and you're throwing away all of your friends
FOR NOTHING

don't worry-brewing grounds will still be here
when your beloved is no longer

also, thanks for spreading rumors that we're closing
fucking douchebag

i've spent the last 14 months
being THAT GIRL
the one who can't help but love you
the one you love but can't help

and maybe it's not love
the things you've told me
all of those secrets
whispered with heavy eyelids

in fact i've ruled that it isn't

love is so many things
that we don't share
at least not anymore
or perhaps never shared

i think you should leave now
i would leave myself
if i didn't have the key
needed to lock the door behind me

in fact
just leave
love wasn't even
worth mentioning

a walking memoir

joe-to-go has started writing his memoir
of how he's spent about 3 years
pining after a married woman
to no avail

it's sparked a lot of thoughts
of my own life
and how much time you can spend
on somebody
and still not mean to them
what they mean to you

i look at photographs of us
very seldom
because i've removed my name from them
i'm the anonymous-

i just realized where i was going with this
and i'm going to skip all the poetic bullshit this time
because i don't need to think about this any further
'cause i'm honestly over it


just know that if i ever see you again...
it will be like facing my very own mobile memoir
and the mere thought of that truly worries me
because i am unsure of how to handle myself
in front of the person you are today


the smell of rain is a favorite
bring it, april

i had a dream...

"it was pointless
i'm not even sure why i remember it"

i went to the brewers game
and i found out you ended up going to
see the box elders
because you had updated via your cellphone
on facebook
"is having a miserable time at the box elders show"
and i looked at lauren & said
"we gotta go rescue her"

"what? that's not a pointless dream at all!"




on a different note:
i think i want to sing stuff
and play the harmonica
be an american badass

ok, i'm joking about the last line
but the other stuff
i kinda really wanna do
and have kinda really started doing
summer goal #2
i rule

well well well

in the past 4 days
katie told us she was moving back to chicago
and then told us she had changed her mind

it feels good to know that she's gonna stay
i was genuinely worried about life after her
she's such a crucial part of brewing grounds
somebody that i rely on a lot for support
in all endeavors
she's really great
and feels so deeply for brewing grounds

she, jennell & i have dubbed ourselves
"the triforce"
so true
we love brewing grounds
and baby, brewing grounds loves us back

i am having a friend from STL visit at the end of the month
i try so hard to swear to myself that i won't do the
"long distance" bullshit again
but the persistence...5 years of persistence
is something that doesn't go unnoticed
beyond the realm of physical attraction
lies that connection
someone who's seen me grow up into
the beautiful, responsible albeit youthful little lady that i am now
and has consistently cared for me throughout it all

simon & nicole got married yesterday
that rules so hard
and sincerely makes me happy all over
nicole has been like a big sister to me
to see her finally find somebody worth her time
able to rival the level of awesome that she exudes
is so reassuring
that maybe someday i can find that
and find contentment that never fades
to be different from what the majority of my peers will be like
the way simon talks about nicole
is so adorable
and vice versa
it is not perfect
as there is really no such thing
but what they have is truly genuine
and has been on my mind a lot lately

goodnight, milwaukee
love sleeping in you.

AUUUGHHH-Charlie Brown

Somedays I close my eyes real tight
And I scrunch up the rest of my face
And wish so hard to turn into something else

Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug
Please let me be a ladybug

I promise I won't say anything stupid

No matter how badly I want to
I won't say anything at all

"dislike"

i have Debaser by the Pixies stuck in my head.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck DEBAAASERRRRRRR.


:[
fuck.

you so suddenly stopped saying sweet things

sincerely, you ditched me at the side of the road
you left a single cigarette on the nightstand
sincerely, you promised to return for it
i softly hummed a melody, awaiting your triumphant return
sincerely, your phone calls dwindled down to nothing
faded sweetly into a worn path of suffering
sincerely, you let me down without saying a word
i struck a match to light that cigarette
sincerely, you had left that cigarette for me
a moment of solitude with the last part of you i could harbor
sincerely, i took a drag and felt my lungs wince with regret
sitting in silence i face south knowing you're not coming home, but i
sincerely am not sure which direction i should take to get home


AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE

I've been watching Tales From The Crypt lately
And this morning I watched one called
And All Through The House
This show never really scared me
But the Cryptkeeper dressed as Santa
Is totally something I could have nightmares about
"Honey, I don't think even Santa could wake up your stepfather..."

real talk

my oldest sister called me today
cutting to the chase:
she and my brother in law are divorcing

apparently they filed nearly 2 months ago
and i just found out today
:[
i am so out of touch with my family
first thing that upsets me about the situation

next
what does this mean for me?
my parents divorced when i was 15 years old
one of my sisters separated from her husband a little over a year ago
the only thing hindering the divorce being finances
and now my eldest sister...
the one who seemed to have it all so right
each duck neatly in a row
suffering from yet another failed marriage
my future looks so dismal if i am anything like the women in my life

i don't want to hurt somebody like that
i don't want to ache like that
the thought of marriage has become an anxiety of mine
i have strived so hard to become comfortable with the thought of life with a new guy
life without dave
so i worked hard to get to where i am now...
but what happens when things escalate to marriage?
it's early to talk about things like that
considering i'm not even dating anybody anyway...
but the thought it constantly there

where does this discontent stem from, that my sisters and mother experienced?
how can i avoid it?
...do i need to avoid falling for the opposite gender?

i hate questioning my feelings for people
because i pay way too much attention to that whole
"the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" thing
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i'm going to see The Room again tonight.
A WIN.

scoot along

on this day
march the 23rd
of the year 2010

a scooter gang
has been born

name and further details to follow

3:00am

Good Morning, Crystal
You are now experiencing what we call
WORD VOMIT.



fucking.

such a fantastic monday

i am excited for video games
and movies
with you

to the point
where i was talking
about it
all day at work

you bring out a side of me
that target seldom
gets to see

i'll have them send you the
thank you letter

:D

count spectacula

they tell me time flies
and i'm sure it does for some

but i keep on counting down
the minutes
until i get to see you walk by

even if you don't stop in
just for you to bang your fist
gingerly on the big store window

and a smile to offer me
that smile
is mine to keep

and this counting
it's gotten me
closer to insanity

so much that i find myself
counting for no reason at all
counting little black sheep
the ones i drew on my arm

i count until i can finally stop
and i can only stop once i see you

so i continue counting
and i've counted all weekend

hoping that maybe
today will end that streak
of days i don't see your face
when our interaction doesn't leave
the realm of text
when i get to smile for you
and i get to take my smile
that you grant me with your presence

and it's days like today
that i don't love him anymore
days where the sun
is outshone by that grin
that you so willingly offer up
almost sacrificially
but i am so much more grateful for it
than any god to have existed
then and now

i can't offer you salvation
from a fiery furnace
but i can offer you a solemn promise
that i can be the girl you count on

and so i continue to count another day

the early bird gets the bathroom

i know my roommate doesn't know any better
because she doesn't know my work schedule
but i cannot help but be irked
every time that i need to be to work
early in the morning
and she somehow also is up already
and beats me into the shower

i just know that she is going to take
FOREVER
in that bathroom

and i am going to be running late for work
which i don't care about
save for the fact that i want to get
my work day over with
cause the weekend is about to begin

POS and Dessa two nights in a row
Ander is gonna be in town
I am excited
:]
Have a great weekend, Milwaukee

intro to oblivion

my chest tightens up
and it gets hard to breathe
when you tell me
that i've been hostile
toward you lately

for that i am so sorry

i just
have a bit of a wall
that hasn't let me
have a serious relationship
in over a year and a half

i am working on fixing this
if you'll help me

straight edge revenge

tonight i got pulled over
by a sheriff
on 1-94 westbound
by the pettit ice rink

the cop approached my open window
asks me where i'm coming from
"work"
asks me where i work
"brewing grounds. coffee shop on the east side"
asks me what time we're open til
"midnight tonight"
asks me what i was up to after work
"we went out to grab sandwiches"
asks me if i had anything to drink tonight
"nah"
asks me again, if i had even one cocktail with dinner
"nah. i actually don't even drink sir"
in disbelief, says "really? not at all?"
"no. not ever. girl scout honor"


"well i'm sorry miss schmidt.
you have a good night
and drive safely
on your way home"

"yeah...you too, sir"

that was interesting, to say the least.


also
at this rate
i'll never have to buy myself
another coca cola again
:] so, thanks again.

peas and carrots

i am so fucking tired
i want normal sleeping patterns back

i am cranky this morning because of it
i should've been so ecstatic

you came to meet me
as soon as i got to the shop
and it made me smile
and you brought your lego spaceship
to show me
the lego man's face
and it made me smile

but i am so tired
that it's making me irritable

and the entire past week
has been hell for me
in a few different ways
and i've tried to remain compassionate

but i think i'm losing it

i think i'm losing hope
but i've got it so bad
and you act like it's nothing
when you and i brush arms
but it's the world to me

the ides of march

i want so badly to grab onto your hand
and feel you squeeze mine back
just so that i can have that feeling
that things are alright
that i'm going to be fine
eventually

when you touch the back of my neck
my heart beats too fast
for my brain to keep up
so i just let my eyes roll around
in their sockets
for the brief moment

saturday and sunday nights
collectively
i slept a total of maybe
5 hours
broken up
with involuntary jolts
no recollection of what i had dreamt
but the cause doesn't need to be determined

tonight i sit in my yellow chair
at brewing grounds
knowing well that
i need sleep
in order to function
but also aware of what i will go through

i wish i had somebody to talk to me
until i grew exhausted
and just passed out
pleasantly

fuck it
i'm gonna go home





thanks for the coca cola.
thirst-quenched.

$8.06

Yesterday was slated to be a wonderful day
An escape to Chicago
With my best friend
To be nerds
And play with other zinesters

We left bright and early, hoping to make the
9:05 Metra from Waukegan to Chicago
We raced into the parking lot
With few minutes to spare
Threw some coins into the parking meter machine
Took our ticket
Ignorant of the fact that we only had enough
Money to get us til 4:00pm
WE HAD TO GET ON THIS TRAIN

Standing on the platform
We await the arrival from the train
Coming from Kenosha
All eyes are pointed north
Jennell and I neglected to take into account
That it was St. Patty's Day weekend
Two black and white coats
In a sea of green

The crossing signs light up
And start ringing
Alerting us that the train
Was approaching
To remain behind the yellow lines
On the platform
A designated safe zone

We all stagger onto the train
Find appropriate seating
And wait for departure
The train is delayed
Until further notice
We are informed that an
"incident"
Has occurred at the North Chicago stop
And authorities are dealing with it
But that we cannot leave
Until we are given the OK from them

So we wait...
About 2 hours
Turning our hour-long ride
Into a 3 hour ride from hell
We went into this ride blindly,
Jennell and I

As we near North Chicago
A Conductor announces over the loudspeaker
That authorities suggest parents not allow their
Children to look left as we pass through the station
That perks the entire train up
Morbid curiosity kicks in
And Jennell and I decide we will gawk with the rest
Of our companions on this train ride

We roll into North Chicago and to the right
I see authorities and crime scene tape
Normal enough, I figure
I was expecting to see blood to my left
But what I saw
I will never forget
A body
No blood
Just mutilation
With a tarp draped
Oh so clumsily over it
My gaze moved to the back of the seat in front of me
My eyes widened
Pure horror
The train had stopped
I could have screamed
It felt like the 2 hours we'd spent in Waukegan
Were spent here
With the recently departed
My eyes welled up with tears
My stomach clenched with guilt
Why did I look?
The train began to roll out of the station
Figuring I would just stare out the window
Avoid eye contact or otherwise with everyone
That it would be safe
We hadn't quite cleared the platform
I stared to my left
Eyes still wide
A shoe
I tried to laugh it off
An attempt to desensitize myself
My forehead scrunched up
A limb
Left uncovered
I exclaimed
I hung my head
Sick to my stomach
As the people around me
Carried on normally

We eventually picked up the riders
From train number 806
A train full of people
Completely fucked
From one of two experiences that day
On the outside I was morose
But my insides were crawling

Chicago was fabulous
We decided to not let this ruin our getaway
We carried on like normal humans
Zinefest was really great
Met a lot of great artists and writers
A lot of people I want to meet again in the future
Accrued so many zines it made my backpack too heavy
To feel comfortable carrying
Great success

That normalcy faded
As we headed north on Wabash
Standing at an intersection
As cars zoomed past us
We finally talked about what happened
I went hysterical
The spaced out look returned to my eyes
I grew frantic
As I recounted what I had seen
I had become so maniacal
Jennell tried to hush me
I grew louder
At least to me I did
I swear my shouts echoed off of the buildings
I could never do that here in Milwaukee
But somehow, Chicago heard my pains that day

We found a hole in the wall pizza place
With great Chicago style slices
$5 got me a slice of pepperoni & a soda
More normalcy as we sat in the window
Pointing out funny drunkards
But my insides were secretly festering
Across the street was an anti-cruelty shelter
We visited the dogs
Smiles adorned our faces
As we grew giddy over the antics of puppies
I felt warm inside, if only briefly

We wandered back to the train station
Jennell bought Jamba Juice
Razzmatazz
Hopped onto our train that was boarding
The 5:10 train to Waukegan
An express commuter
Boarding at stall number 13
13
13
How lucky for us

We sat on the lower deck again
Eventually joined in our car
By a group of rather drunken
Middle aged
Skidmarks on the earth's surface
One of them
Who we thought was decently sober
Enough to listen to, at least
Enlightened us as to what really happened
That morning
Told us how a man and his daughter
Were crossing the tracks
Trying to beat a train that was heading inbound
Train 806
His wife and their 1 year old goddaughter in tow
He and the daughter made it safely to the other side
But his wife was struck
Baby sheltered in her arms
She died instantly
The baby died at a hospital in Waukegan a few hours later
The image of that scene
Became so vivid in my mind
I sat quietly and listened to my ipod
One earbud in my ear
The other in Jennell's
As the train ride ensued
The fools among us became
More obnoxious
More insensitive
More subhuman
As they persistently brought up
This "murder train" they were on
I became increasingly disgusted
With what piles of garbage
Were sitting in seats in front of me
Jennell sensed my discomfort
And that the conversations amongst
The group were taking a turn for
Even worse
She placed the other earbud in my lap
Told me to put it in
To turn up my music
That we would be home soon
That things would be OK

We pulled into Waukegan
I had fallen asleep
I asked where we were
Jennell informed me
We were going to begin
The second leg of our journey
Back to Milwaukee
Where I was itching to be again

We got to our car
Drove off down Washington Street
As we drove away from the red light
We sat in that car
Windows rolled up
And we screamed
And then we screamed some more
FUCK
Simply
It made me feel relieved
To a certain extent
Not entirely
But I needed that release
Because I couldn't do anything more

I barely got sleep last night
With the loss of an hour
And jolting myself awake
Every 30 minutes
And requiring another 20 minutes
Just to fall back asleep
I would say I got maybe 2 solid hours of sleep

Work
Target
10am-3pm
Cashier
A wreck
Cute children
By the bushel
A cell phone ringing
You Are My Sunshine
What's the matter?
Crystal
Crystal
Hey...
You're crying
I didn't even realize
My eyes held a gaze
With the woman on the phone
She didn't know
Only I did
I shrugged
And continued to scan

Beep
Beep
Beep
Your total comes to
8 dollars
and 6 cents
Press cancel for credit







I am not OK.

triple double tuesday

I have a problem.




That's the first step


right?

you missed out on dinner

Godspeed.

I went for a run down to Bradford beach today
To reflect on my life
The last year
And the progress made throughout it

Bradford beach is where
Jennell and I went
When I found out my brother
Had had a stroke
But I wasn't allowed
At the hospital yet

So a year later
Here I am running back
Literally
To the place where I kept my sanity
If only for that day
A place that created an ounce of clarity
In this clouded jar that was my life



I ran up to the water tower
And found a convenient tree stump
To rest on and reflect
It was beautiful out today
It was beautiful out
March 3, 2009

It's hard to think
How close we were to losing you
Nothing can change that feeling
The one where you can't breathe
Because it hurts so bad
What hurts?
You're not sure
Maybe nothing
But it feels like every thing
Like every bone in your body
Is breaking
And your heart stops pumping
And you have to keep reminding yourself
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
Blink
Inhale
Exhale
Chin up
Inhale Blink
Exhale
Weep
Inhale
Inhale
Inhale
Inhale
crystal
Crystal...
CRYSTAL!
Let it all go
And finally you exhale



To conclude,
I take this opportunity
To thank my brother for being so strong
And to congratulate him
On his progress made
And on being able to drive a car again
Despite everything the doctors told us
You are my biggest hero
And I love you
Don't ever fucking question that

i would make a good girlfriend, guys. i told you!

2:36amMatthew
I seriously love you crystal
you are the coolest person ive met in a long time
if ever
I love hanging out with you
You make me feel at home in milwaukee.

2:37amCrystal
that makes me feel good about myself, matt. i feel like a lot of my personality and interests go unnoticed by a lot of guys.

2:37amMatthew
i think you are an amazing woman
you have a lot of quirks that only a guy that you should be with would understand
fuck everyone else
make sense?

2:39amCrystal
absolutely.

2:39amMatthew
there are a lot of stupid people in the world
most people
actually
I look at you as a really good girl
i love you
Is that crazy?
I dont really care if it is actually

2:41amCrystal
it's not crazy. i hold you in very high regard. affectionately.

2:41amMatthew
You are probably only one of like 3 people i have ever met in my life that actually get me
you are like a Little female smart version of me
You are so smart, and so funny

2:42amCrystal
ahem. matthew, you are smart!

2:43amMatthew
im not really that smart
you are pretty smart
i am ok with not being that smart
i am used to it
i am smart in ways I am comfortable with

2:43amCrystal
that makes you smarter than you'll ever know, matt...

2:44amMatthew
You are a goood girl crystal.
i am secretly in love with you
if you tell anyone I will kill you

2:44amCrystal
well make sure i don't find out

2:44amMatthew
You better not
Ill be pissed
You're officially my favorite person in Milwaukee
Youre like my best milwaukee friend

2:46amCrystal
knock knock

2:46amMatthew
I am so so so so so glad I met you
whos there?

2:47amCrystal
your friend crystal...and she's always gonna be there

2:47amMatthew
hahahaha
aw

2:50amCrystal
i like you a lot.

2:50amMatthew
I know you do
And I dont know what I want
You would make a good girlfriend crystal
You are an awesome person
I seriously love you
I love being with you
I love talking to you
everything
I love the way you look at me
and the way you talk to me
and the way you care about what I tell you
and how you think my stupid jokes are funny
even though I know they arent

2:52amCrystal
i'm not even laughing just to flatter you. corny jokes are my weakness.
you've made my heart feel all sorts of weird on me.

mewithoutyou

Me without you
is like
...
a sneaker without laces
...
a geek without braces
...
asentencewithoutspaces

to sum it up,
i am fond of you.

"What's more sad than
not caring
is when someone cares
so much
that they lose sight
of their ultimate goal"

sometimes i say profound shit
to people who actually listen



lucky me

EDIT: today 16 people were arrested while protesting the UWM tuition hike.
andrew told us this wicked story about it.
i admire their passion.
solidaridad.

i love you, ono

i don't even know what you mean
when you send me off to sleep at 3am
with links to songs about love
but i can't say i dislike it


bacon cheeseburger pizza at ian's is GOD
that's right...
the deity
it even has pickles on it
way to go, ian's
you know the way to my heart
right through my taste buds

and i am tonally fine
with having to be up
in 5.5 hours
to work

looking forward to my first run with milam
tomorrow afternoon
i hope we are a good match for running buddies
:]


this summer is going to be rad
i decided today
mark those words.

simply put

things are not the same between us



and i don't blame you
not in the least bit
i just don't have anybody else to call my best friend

be cool, hunny bunny.

"i like living the life i have now.
not crazy and exciting.
i have time and patience to
see small cool things"

...

"like you."

i saw your eyes go from lowercase to capital

i want more than just late nights with aqua teen
and dinosaur chicken nuggets

let me count the ways...

i wonder if you talk to your friends
about all of the late nights spent
in the company of one another

or if other people would even understand
the level of companionship we have

the way i look at you
when i am steaming milk
for another man's hot cocoa

it's a rickety bridge

i feel a lot better
when i get things off my chest

i did that a lot yesterday

tonight i go see shutter island
pretty excited
heard mixed reviews about it

over the weekend
i saw the room
with matt
that was really nice



thanks for sharing your popcorn
really.

afterthought: the oriental is pretty great

It's Monday.

Usually I wake up every morning feeling like P. Diddy


Today I woke up feeling like Arthur Fonzarelli


Exponentially cooler than P. Diddy


amiright?

an outlet

over the last year
i began distancing myself
from my father

i became involved
with our coffee shop
consumed, even

my family experienced a lot
that was traumatizing
had to strengthen ourselves
for something we hadn't anticipated
never saw coming
and we've made it a long way despite
the circumstances

but my dad has changed

and not in a positive manner
so i don't feel close with him anymore

sometimes
you look back
and remember the good times
but can't seem to suppress all of the bad

i can't obtain my own personal nirvana
while my dad is constantly a grump about life

i want to tell him that.
i want him to know that i love him.
but that he's caused a lot of trauma to my adolescent self.




my parents' messy marriage
the fighting
the physical contact
the scapegoating on me
the divorce papers
the finalization

it still haunts me.

what happens

when you find somebody
that you like
and you spend a lot of time with them
and stay up ridiculously late at night with
and drink coffee with
and they tell you you're the coolest girl in the world
and that you're one of the first real people that they've met in Milwaukee
and a really great person

but for whatever reason,
you keep lusting after
somebody from your past
who is nothing but bad news
who is on a different page in life
somebody who continuously hurts you
inadvertently

what do you do then?

Carl Sagan, only you held the answer to this...
and you were merely mortal
placing me shit out of luck
as for answers

i have these thoughts in the summertime too

Currently freezing
Watching girls run down the sidewalk
Bad idea

Listening to Ander's Winter Mix
Wrapped in a blanket
Sitting in a booth at the shop
While all my friends play card games in the background
Trying to teach myself to create a PC game
Without writing all the damn code for one
I'll figure it out, I promise



Don't judge me if THIS ^^^ is what the outcome of this adventure is...

Today Rusty came by the shop
First time we actually hung out
It was rad
We played Jenga
I got a personal best on a game of Jenga
THIRTY-ONE LEVELS
The kid is really cool
I mean, meeting other straight edge people
Is always...refreshing.


It's nearly 2am
My eyes hurt so fucking bad
I think I'll go home
But it's barclose time
:[
And other peoples' driving worries me
Always


I wanted you to walk with me to the store today.
Next time.

out of step with the world

Whatever happened to boys asking to go out on proper dates?
Why is it that we all turn 21 and suddenly only go out to bars?
I don't need to prove to the world how old I am by
Bumming around bars
Heavy with the stench of smoke and liquor
I can think of at least 10 things I would rather do
That would be far less awkward than sitting in a bar
Sipping on a coke that cost significantly less than your cocktail
But still way more than I would like to spend on a beverage consisting mainly of ice

I guess I start getting picky about where guys take me out
Because I fail to recognize that most guys my age do not own a coffee shop
That they can take me to after hours and share French pressed coffee

And that most people my age are consumed by alcohol




Guess some days I am still just bitter old Xtal...

it was a mercy kill

making objects out of clay
talking about breasts
waltzing through the shop
hauling a keyboard around the east side
making up lyrics to a song about butts
a double shot of espresso

telling secrets underneath a table
midnight trips to zebb's
a short stack of pancakes

watching aqua teen
laughing at a miniature version of carl
laughing with somebody
until 3:30am

is something i can tolerate.

crystal, don't forget nights like these exist.
and cherish that you're staying in milwaukee
where you've belonged all along.

my life is something else...

tonight i walked,
camera in hand,
while jennell carried a huge keyboard around
...it was spontaneous.
she played beats on the keyboard.
a lot which made me laugh.
people stared.
i felt a connection with each of them.

i laughed a lot today, come to think of it.
so why do i still want to spontaneously combust?

Phyllis Newcombe...did you ever marry Mack?!?

THE ANSWER IS TWELVE.

oh fuck you, kenosha.

Wound up in this random town called Kenosha
Too close to Chicago
Meetin' fans of Sammy Sosa
Magnum with a hemi
And we dive into this bar
21 and still don't drink
Lucky the 7-up is on par

Make my way to the restroom
Relieve myself for free
Come back to my post
And what do I see
A girl too drunk to drive
Snogging other men
While her loyal boyfriend
Begs for her attention
Does anything he can

Keep my mouth shut
Lest I wind up in the midst
Of a bitter quarrel
What some call lover's tryst

Could be up on stage
Spittin' rhymes until bar close
But I'm a humble lady
In a room of cock suckin' hoes
No matter either way
Cause
I roll with Cause for Revelation
Let's get outta Kenosha
Done let these suckas see how we get
This reputation

Footnote: last night was
SEVEN SHADES OF FUCKED UP.
7sofu, i tell ya.

Fearless.

I mistook the cuddle bug
For a roll-y pole-y
And flicked it across the cement

And maybe it's better that way
Because you say you've changed
And I see what you mean
But you're not the person
That I see myself beside
When I close my eyes at night

I can't get him off my mind.

Hey Doll

Perfectly affectionate

Further reflection on the idea that I am chickenshit.

On the off chance that
you might actually be receptive
I'll just go for it
And try to hold your hand

Jack Bow-Wow...

Milam found her tonight
On North Ave. on the bridge
She doesn't have tags
But she is very sweet

Her name is
Jack Bow-Wow
'Cause Milam's roommates
Were watching 24
When Milam & Jennell
Brought the dog over

They then brought her by
Brewing Grounds
And I got to play with her
I love her
I hope she finds home


I hope someone is diligently
Seeking this dog out


<3

Once I was 16 years old...

I used to drive a '91 Plymouth Acclaim
That my sister-in-law gave to me

I used to drive my friends to shows
Allll the way from the 'burbs to Shorewood
Back in those days,
Shows were plentiful
Good shows
At least that's what we thought they were
And the Orchard Inn had shows
On a regular basis
My friends and I went there often
And one night
We took kite string
And filed off the
"PLYMOUTH"
&
"ACCLAIM"
decals that were on the back

Jennell took one home
And made a necklace out of it

I got a new car when I was 17
A '98 Pontiac Firebird
With T-tops
Looking back...
I should've gone with a sensible car
Something that handles well in snow
But I was 17
And had the money
And nobody to tell me not to do it

I was just a foolish child
And now I guess I am a "grown-up"

First Observation-Monday:

Listening to
The Smiths
Makes me feel pretty
Even on days
When I might not look
So pretty



Just an observation.

Carry on with your day.

Today is SUNDAY

I don't understand the point in today.
I have taken part in this day in the past
But I don't put some sort of emphasis on it
And it doesn't define anything about me
Nor do I care that I'm not doing anything this year.

Everybody at Cempazuchi is getting laid tonight.

Jennell: "Whoa!"
nodding & smiling
"Genghis Kahn had a lover."



I think I might be transforming into a puddle of gelatin.

I wanted to tell you that your smile makes my winter warmer
That your hugs send my mind into another realm
And that I think about you when I don't even realize I'm thinking
When you ask me what I'm thinking, I'm thinking about you
And I won't answer you with that
Because I realize it sounds childish
Or cliche
Or whatever the fuck it sounds like.

I like you.
Simply.

To elaborate:
I like being with you.
I like what we have in common.
I like our differences.
I like your face.
Your hands.
Your shoulders.
I welcome your touch.
I like to wink
Because it makes you smile
I genuinely care for you.
I hope that's OK
'Cause I hardly know you.



I like you because you are dorky enough to be mine.

"I hate this town..."

Tonight has been like a movie
Here I sit
Behind the counter of Brewing Grounds
By myself

In the room opposite me
I hear women reciting monologues
About vaginas
About their orgasms
Referred to as "floods"
About their uterus
And their sexcapades with
BURT FUCKING REYNOLDS

I rip the heads off of
Dinosaur chicken nuggets
Strewn about on a plate
With a barbecue sauce
Volcanic Centerpiece

A group of 3
Comes in asking if we still have
SETTLERS OF CATAAN
We do, delightfully
They order soy drinks & tea

A man comes in
Weathered by the weather
Exclaiming that he can't take it anymore
Telling me this city is dead
And that he hates it here
I politefully & quietly tell him
I disagree
He orders a hot cocoa for here
He asks me how I could love this place
I tell him, Brewing Grounds, for one
Along with my friends & family
And the general beauty of the city's somber buzz
He tells me his parents are dead
And his friend from high school died
And that the guys he plays tennis with
All argue on the courts by Lafayette Hill
He tells about how he hates the long winter
And I explain to him
How fortunate it is for the ugly
That is snows so much here
For snow can blanket anything
He sips his cocoa
Tells me it's
"pretty good"
This ends our conversation
He drinks quickly
Then leaves
Onto other people who will
Listen to his hatred
For the city I love so dearly



Milwaukee, I love you.
Don't ever fucking question that.

Dust of Snow

I love days like today
Last night was surreal,
In many ways, for me.

I got let down gently
Took a long walk
In the middle of a blizzard
I smiled when the wind
Whipped snow into my cheeks
And I thanked the parking cop
For only giving me a ticket
And not towing my car
I THANKED A PARKING COP.

But today is alright
I slept well
I usually have an alarm
To wake myself up
Every.Morning.
But today I got up on my own accord
And I am thankful for that

It is also 100% beautiful outside
Today, the city of Milwaukee
Is perfect
In every neighborhood
The snow covers up any ugly

I wish I had lived in 1947
When Milwaukee had an
EPIC BLIZZARD
That shut down the city
FOR DAYS
I mostly wish I were there
...
To experience a trolley ride

Did you know that Oakland Ave.
Used to have a line of trolley cars?



I WANT TO EXPERIENCE THIS!

A word from Crystal Schmidt:

FUCK.

Where does the good go?

Last night I had a lengthy conversation
About the definition of "love"
& how you know that you love somebody
Even if that love isn't always mutual

Came to the conclusion
That love is as follows:

When the happiness of someone else exceeds the importance of you being happy.

I like the idea of that
I like to think that someday
I might be able to have that again

Where I have someone to thank
For the fact that I smile
More than I am upset

I waste so much time going out to dinner
With guys that I develop no feelings for
I end up feeling like a jerk
Because I suggest we go dutch
And the guy insists he pay
And then I have to break it to him
That I'm not interested in him romantically
Which usually has to happen when they're
Desperately trying to grab my hand
And I am desperately trying to disappear




I think love is when
I can shut my mouth
And stop moving
And just hold somebody
Fully enveloped by the moment

summer song

In the last week
I have smiled so much


For the record,
video game dates
are my favorite


I went for a short bike ride today
My legs felt like jelly afterward
I think I need to start running soon

Hopefully the rest of winter
will be balmy
I say this just prior to
a huge blizzard
FUCK.

Milam pulled up a bunch of porn
on Jennell's laptop
while she was on a walk
Then he used her laptop
after the fact
He left himself logged in
on his email
Jennell posted a Craigslist ad
Male for Male
Mwahahahah
Revenge is so delicious
even if it's not by my hands

walkabout

when people used to ask me
"what do you want to be
when you grow up?"
i never knew that my answer
was supposed to be
a job title,
an occupation.

so i would answer:
"happy"
and that would end
the entire conversation

i began to think it
was a bad answer
but now that i'm
finding happiness
i know i was right
all along




i am all smiles, mom
aren't you proud?

going dutch.

"First off, it’s unfair that you decided to blow Dave off for months and expect him to even want to talk to you now. Why would you expect that when you’ve ignored him since you found out he’s not straightedge anymore? By completely ignoring him/not supporting him in the decision he made for himself it shows that you really don’t care about him, you’re not a real friend and not worth any of his time. You are the one, who burned that bridge, and I gave you multiple oppourtunities to maybe fix that by inviting you to things and then you chose to blow me off also. So trying to fix your friendship with Dave might be too little to late especially after the ways you’ve disrespected Dave and my relationship."


always the bad guy.
i swear.


i'm never falling in love again.
because it always ends up:
dude sells out.
new girlfriend bashes me for ex.
i'm the bad friend.
i'm the bad friend.
i'm the bad friend.
i'm the bad friend.
just because i didn't sell out.
and didn't care enough about dude selling out.

where is there a balance?
why is it bad that i don't give a fuck?
but it's bad if i care too much?
i don't understand.
a year and a half later and shit is still in disarray.
i give up.


EDIT: he comes up anyway in conversation way too often. shitty. but i guess...for two and a half years i was known as Crystal(and Dave). I'll just keep walking through to the next post, guys.

love.life.

Thursday night Jennell and I went to a show at the Borg Ward. Number 9 Hard, Direct Hit! & DRMANHATTAN were playing. All played very well. Thomas Buckholt is so damn cute. I laughed and smiled so much it hurt. Such a great night. Slept over at Jennell's after the show.

Friday morning left at 6am headed to Minneapolis. Stopped in Steven's Point for breakfast with Milam. It was great, we went to South Point...legendary. We got to Minneapolis in the afternoon and immediately started perusing any vinyl we could get our hands on. I found a couple 7"s that I felt obligated to pick up. I also bought the felt2 comic. We went to Muddy's twice on Friday, which is ridiculous, but we really love that place. At one point we were running around downtown searching for a public restroom...so hard to find. Dessa's show was great. She's probably my biggest role model.

I just got tired of writing this post.
Shitty

in short...
i bought a 6 pack of PBR for Joe Mabbot and his girlfriend Nell for letting us stay the night at their house.
i also got 3.5 hours of sleep and then worked the rest of the night when we got back from minneapolis. WIN.

I love my life, every day.

OH.
and i'm staying in Milwaukee...pretty officially. also, WIN.

i wish i could share my life with the world

having everybody back home for the holidays has made me reflect
on the fact that i have a handful of the greatest friends ever.

there was a blizzard in milwaukee 2 days ago
my best friend and i walked about 5 miles through it
tracing triforces and double helixes
in the snow on the MSOE campus
and perusing cheap records at exclusive
(their selection sucks)

post blizzard day:
when everything in the city looks absolutely perfect
we ventured out again
sat down for lunch at an adorable diner by the marquette campus
split a chocolate malt for dessert
took our leftovers to josh's house with a note stating:
"josh-inside is your son. hopefully you can care for him better than i have. love always, rita"
underneath read: "actually is chicken. -jennell and crystal"
left it on the front porch
awesome.
then got mango lassi from bombay sweets on the south side
i love that shit
walked around bayview, checking out all the shops for anything interesting
talked about anal hearse at rush-mor records
jennell found a 7" of a swedish band doing minor threat covers
was only $3. turned out to be fucking awesome.
stopped by collector's edge.
bought the christmas issue of the GREAT LAKES AVENGERS
got a history lesson about Squirrel Girl from the guy behind the counter
he was awesome. Squirrel Girl is awesome. that is all.
went to Brewing Grounds and hung out with Katie all evening while Jennell was working
i read the comic book we got
it's awesome. really funny.
dan/megan/cris came to the shop
jennell got off work and we all went to ian's to grab a slice of pizza
came back to the shop and just spent quality time together until 2am

dan goes back to yale today
:[
bummed.





footnote: if i am indeed moving to california in march, that leaves me with very little time here in wisconsin. it's finally dawning on me. good thing things are not set in stone, yet. because i am having a killer time right now. :]

best night in awhile.

found out about non-newtonian fluid today
insisted that we make some
it was hilarious and epic
some of it is definitely frozen outside right now

went for a walk with jennell.
cvs pharmacy: 2 lbs of reese's peanut butter trees.
walgreens: half gallon of 2% white milk
one hour: adventuring the east side, perusing dumpsters for neat shit.

gave a topper's delivery dude a tree.
then jennell spit out her milk because i said
"...howww would you feel about being the octo-dad?"

came back.
lollin @ loltatz right now with katie & jennell



life is swell.
adieu.