TODAY.

Matt's back for a couple days from Oakland.
Party at Brewing Grounds tonight, kinda.
I'm happy.
I love this place.

More shit to say, just don't have the words to say 'em right now.



Just lots of love in my life right now.

today i feel excluded.
wholeheartedly.
it sucks.
tomorrow i'll feel the same.
by people i like.
by a person very close to me.
and by somebody i don't want to ever have things be awkward with.
especially if things don't go the way someone wants them to go.

i just looked over everything i wrote and realized it makes no fucking sense.
i should delete it.
but i feel like if i do, i'll keep fretting.

INTERJECTION.
today i laughed really hard while watching Cat Face & Doomtree videos.
it made me feel so terrific.


stayin' posi, y'all.

something that makes me cry for no REAL reason

There is a song out there that makes me cry for literally no reason.
I didn't go through a rough time while listening to this song.
I've never associated this song with anyone or anything.
But I cry over it.
Every time I listen to it.
Usually not a weeping cry
Just tears.
My eyes well up with them.
My face gets really warm.
My sinuses cringe.
My chin quivers.
I don't know why.
It just does.
And I have allowed it to bother me to no end.
Today I put this album on in the shop.
Without really thinking that this song is on the album.
And then it came on.
I didn't change it.
I just let the song consume me as usual.
It didn't matter- nobody was in here.
I just finished cleaning the windows, on a whim.
It was like it was meant to be.
I have to hear this song whenever it comes on.

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking
Go where you want but I won't be to far
Go where you want and I know where you'll end up
If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you


Perhaps it's just Aaron Marsh's voice
A beautiful vessel for love to travel through
He really is.
In fact, I'll peg it as just that
Aaron Marsh is a man I do not have to fall in love with
I don't even have to know him
He just makes me cry

serious thought for the night

What if I never fall in love again?
Will I spend the rest of my time here
Casually dating & casually fucking
My remaining years away?
This upsets me
Will I forever be laid onto a bed
That is usually not my own
Saying FUCK ME
no.
FUCK THAT.
Who wants to let me into their heart?
I'm sick of the cold rain out here.

i am

so happy.

brewing grounds collaborative meeting
a talk about whether we wanted to renew the lease for this space...
jennell, katie and i are all very confident that we should keep pushing forward
and stressed the fact that we haven't had enough of a chance to turn things around
that we deserve a longer period of time
because we've had a fabulous impact even in just the little time we've been here
emily seems hopeful and like she supports our wish to keep going forth
dan, on the other hand, seems to be removing himself from brewing grounds
in many aspects
he doesn't get excited about events
he doesn't put any effort into advertising or promoting anything going on
he doesn't put many hours into the coffeeshop anymore
in fact, he only opens on fridays and saturdays now
where the other 4 of us have been keeping up with the rest of the hours that we're open...and doing a damn awesome job at that.
i feel like the coffeeshop has become a burden to dan
when he should be grateful to have a place like this
where he can get free coffee and escape the worries of big boy life
adulthood is a twisted thing-often times things don't work out how you want them to
not everybody can be as fabulous as matt nelson is
i have to accept that fact
in fact, almost nobody can be quite like that man
i hate the thought of this place not existing anymore
sigh...
i miss matt nelson
so much

i am happy.

perfect.

He told me I look a lot happier
than I did a few months ago
and I am.
My brother's out of the hospital and rehabilitating
I'm enjoying my summer
Work's not all too bad
And I was seeing him
I told him I was most happy to be around him again
He flashed me his smile
And I fell for it
Cause I always do





Tonight I'm going to get dressed up
And boogie down with all my friends
To Michael Jackson songs
All night
And tomorrow I'm going to get up early for work
At Target
And I'm not going to piss and moan about it
Cause I'm all smiles :]

My most fond conversation

"What do you think of me?"

I think you're great
I really like being around you
Because you make me ultra happy
And you're really cute
I love your eyes
And, though I'm not personally religious,
I even like your tattoos
I like the way I feel when I'm with you
And I like that you laugh at me
And I laugh at you
I like that we don't have to spend every waking moment together
But instead, we can just chill and cuddle after a long day
I think of you very highly
I like you a lot

"How much do you like me?"
A lot
I
...
Love you
...
I think I just said something I might not mean right now
But said it subconsciously because I am overtired

"Go to sleep"

Would it be bad if I had meant it?

"No"

One million little pieces

TODAY I REALIZED THAT I CANNOT FUCKING WRITE ANYTHING I WANT TO IF I HAVE TO BE IN SOME SORT OF CONSTANT CONVERSATION WITH SOMEBODY.


i wanted to spend my time today at the coffeeshop trying to write some things that have been on my mind a lot lately...maybe even something lyrically inclined. i'm failing hardcore already.


i need some motivation.now.
i have a feeling it's going to get cold tonight.
i'm wearing a tube top.
and i close @ the coffeeshop tonight.
that means i'll be here til 11:30pm.
fuck.
let the nippin' begin.

also, followed a lead on some possibly free s'mores supplies behind pizza shuttle on craigslist...couldn't find shit....but i wanted them so badly. just to say that i got them. that craigslist worked for me. FUCK.

it seems to be quieting down, now. everybody is doing their own thing. maybe i'll be able to muster up some sick rhymes...or something like that.

When I realized shit got real

You never really pay attention to how much you spend every day/week/month/etc. until you go to Taco Bell and your debit card gets declined. Somewhere in the span of a week, something happened that made me dip into the ever frightening NEGATIVE with my checking account. This wouldn't be such a big deal, save for the fact that my bank charges outrageous overdraft fees. So today I got my paycheck and have literally NOTHING to show for it.

Fuck corporate America, telling me how to dress when I come into work.
Fuck the idea that is instilled in our brains that we need MONEY to be happy.
Fuck rent being due on the 1st of June and knowing you can't make it.
Fuck knowing that being a good person and creating good karma for yourself will not pay the bills, pay for school, or make rent for you.
Fuck that I get more fulfillment every day out of the VOLUNTEERING that I do at the coffeeshop than I do making actual money at my shitty job.
Fuck having all this shit happen and then getting cramps on top of it to make me cranky as fuck.
Fuck you for letting a dirtball move in with you who can't even help support YOUR family, much less his own 5 children (with multiple women).
Fuck you for not taking enough care of your dog and for not letting me know that you'll be gone overnight so I should let the dog out before I leave for work.
Fuck you for never cleaning the bathroom.
Fuck student loans/grants.
Get a hold of yourself, Crystal.

I entered adulthood with already too much shit on my plate.
Thanks a lot mom & dad.


And this is how shit got real.

$10 still goes a long way in today's economy: a photoblog

Monday April 27th 2009

[The view on the way into preferred parking]
On a whim, got 6 tickets to see the Brewers host the Pirates
And took my nieces and nephew
Along with my sister and Jennell
[My 4 year old niece stoked on her 1st game]



[The view from our seats in sec. 101 right field]
I take good care of the people I love


[Oh HAI THERE Corey Hart!]


This guy ^^ was sitting next to me most of the game
He was wasted out of his mind
But figured it'd be a good idea to try chatting me up
So he grabs my right arm and starts looking at my Minor Threat tattoo
And asking me about it
When I start bringing up punk and straight edge
He thinks we have a common ground or something
So he brings up his tattoos
And starts showing me HEARTAGRAMS and HIM tattoos
And right then I decided I did not like this guy
Not to mention he looks like Bert from The Used
[that fact alone is a lot funnier now, looking back on it]
He then starts chatting me up about my camera
And asks me to take a photo of him
Because I kept ignoring him and taking photos of my niece
I snap another shot of Alexis
And he leans in and asks "Is that your daughter?"
And that was the end of it
Because I had had enough stupidity for one game
Crew wins 10-5 beautifully
Ends up sweeping the Pirates :D

The next couple days of the week were rainy
And uneventful
But I digress
...

Thursday April 30th 2009
Lacey and Kody invited me to the Admirals game
Now, the Admirals are a very underrated AHL team in Milwaukee
They, in fact, are a FABULOUS team
Which I love very very dearly
So after I got done working at Brewing Grounds
I race down there to see what tickets they got us
[you almost ALWAYS get better tickets when you show up early and buy them @ boxoffice]
Lacey tells me the place is packed already and that I only owe her $15
Tells me we got front row tickets in the upper level
[I have NEVER seen the upper level open]
So I'm a bit disappointed
Then she hands me my ticket
...
FOR FRONT ROW GLASS SEATS
I have never been able to capture front row seats no matter how early I've been to a game
The Admirals ended up losing 1-2 to the Aeros, but I walked away with two things
1). More reason to love Jed Ortmeyer
&
2). A bruised left hand from pounding on the glass so hard
[No photos cause I forgot my camera in my car...fail, I know]

Friday May 1st 2009

[For some reason, this is adorable]
I can't decide whether Robin Yount or those kids are what makes it adorable, though
...
Nothing too exciting about Friday night's game
Our seats were pretty decent
I went with Sarah Hudson
An ump made a garbage call
[Fair ball on a clear foul ball]
And it cost the Crew 2 runs to the Dbacks
Some bologna for sure
Crew loses 5-2


Saturday May 2nd 2009
On a whim, I decide I want to go to the game
I don't have a ticket and it is game day
I get to Miller Park at 2:30pm
Game time is 6:05pm
A few cars are lined up to be let into the parking lot
I am one of the first 10 cars in
And I figure I'll go buy a ticket at the boxoffice
I see a DARE event going on and start taking photos
My little brother is with the son of the head DARE coordinating officer
So I get invited to stick around
And I keep taking photosD-I will not do DRUGS
A-Won't catch an ATTITUDE
R-I will RESPECT myself
E-Will learn to EDUCATE

As much as I dislike the D.A.R.E. program
I think it is really cool that they offer family baseball events
Because that is what baseball is all about
Spending time with people you enjoy
Watching something you all love
[And yes, those are racing sausages]

So they notice I have a pretty nice camera
[The DARE people]
And ask if I wanna photograph the first pitch
And I of course say YES

Meet little Jenna
She wrote an essay for the D.A.R.E. program
And hers was the best
So she was throwing the first pitch on this beautiful night
She told me she was pretty nervous
But extreeeeemely excited
And I told her she shouldn't be scared
And that she could stand at the front of the mound
And I'm sure she would hit the plate

[Yes, that is THE Jason Kendall]
He gave Jenna and her sister baseballs


Jenna's wind-up was awesome
She pitched it to McGehee
AND SHE HIT THE PLATE!
:D :D :D
The crowd cheered her on and she came walking back toward us
With a huge smile on her face
And who steps in front of her but McGehee himself
To autograph her baseball for her
What a dude

TIME TO FLIRT WITH THE DUGOUT
Now, I have it in my mind that I have to marry one of two types of men:
1). A baseball player:
Somebody who can appreciate that I appreciate what they do for a living
Somebody who likes to hear my input on the game
And on their performance
But can still have a conversation outside of baseball
or
2).A baseball super fan:
I don't care what team you are a fan of
If you enjoy baseball like I do
Then I will enjoy my time spent with you
I need a guy who can understand my level of passion for the game
And who can complement me well
[Disclaimer: I would, in fact, date a Cubs fan]
I would have to get used to it
But I would do it
Commence eye-flirting with Carlos Corporan

Carlos Corporan is the triple-A prospect turned pro recently
With Mike Rivera injured, he is our current backup catcher
Now for his background:
This man is Puerto Rican to the fullest extent
25 years old
More than a foot taller than me
And in fabulous shape
Very easy on the eyes
I enjoy looking at him

Last night I found out he enjoyed looking at me too
;)
"HEY CARLOS, WELCOME TO THE BIG LEAGUES!"
He heard me
So did Yovani Gallardo, who was next to him
Carlos smiled at me
And kept looking my way
I was in love

In fact, I think I am in love
I am man crazy, I'm convinced
That is the wonderful thing about being single
I can flirt without feeling bad about it
I can flirt and feel FANTASTIC about it even
HAH
:D

Also, I never made it up to my shitty terrace seat
Because the D.A.R.E. officers invited me to their suite
In the 300-level
AWESOME
My $10 parking spot was well worth it
Considering not having to pay for my ticket/food
And getting a fabulous opportunity
To do what I love in a setting I love
<3

a 2-way highway of ants in my kitchen that Brandin Rush Hochstrasser can get rid of painlessly

...
Admirals game tonight
[Round 2 of the calder cup playoffs]
Brewers/Dbacks game tomorrow night
Earth Crisis on Tuesday night
P.O.S. on Thursday night
Brewers/Cubbies game Friday night
SO STOKED ON THE NEXT WEEK
:]
shit yeah

reflection

In grade school
I vividly remember the first day
When the teacher would go through the class roll
And ask every student if they had a nickname they'd rather go by

And Matthew Steffen was always "Matt"
And Samantha Rumney was always "Sammy"
Rebecca Hagen was always "Becca"
And Aaron Becht was always "AJ"
Christopher Adams was always "Chris A"
And Christopher Barbano was "Chris B"

But I always had to say NO when asked that question
Because my name was not only unique
But it was CRIS when shortened
And I didn't want a name that 2 other people in my class already had
So I never got a shortened name or nickname

This brings me to how I even got my name
...

It's the year 1988
My mom has 2 daughters and a son already
All above the age of 7 at the time
She's pregnant with her 4th child
And at a doctor visit
Is told that she should prepare herself
Mentally and emotionally
In case her baby daughter is born with downs syndrome
...
Fast forward to November of 1988
...
I was born
SANS DOWNS SYNDROME
:]
And my mom saw me
Thought I was just perfect n' shit
And named me CRYSTAL
Like the glass---without imperfection
My unique ass name
Was because I was born not retarded
Basically

I'm the one with the biggest smile
An angel of sorts
With the most unique name in my family
And I love it more now that I know why I got that name
It wasn't just something my parents thought was cute
It meant something to my mother
Back during a time when things were good with my family
When my parents loved each other
I got my name out of love for a child

I'd also like to point out that
during this point in my life
When I was around 4 or 5 years old
I started introducing myself to people
and saying "I was supposed to be retarded"
...
Cause I had and still have a sense of humor about the situation
It's better than when my mom was pregnant with my little brother
and the doctor told her he was going to be a fucking MIDGET
[which I'm kinda mad he isn't one...]
But my mom LAUGHED at the doctor when that happened
:D :D

How normal I am
Is completely debatable to date
But I know that I'm very happy with the way things are
And I love every aspect of my life on any given day
No matter how hard shit gets
I am content
And positively positive

And I finally feel fucking gorgeous
About time

FUCK YOU MISS DAISY

Today some of the most farfetched things occurred

And I happened to have my camera on me all day
So I got a lot of interesting shit to show

...

Brace yourself

...



I once thought that this place was called Wingin' It
Kinda like how I thought that Andy worked at a place with the same name
When he worked at WING IT
Jennell thought this place was called Wing-O's
Now I'll always remember what that place is called
Even though I will never eat there

Right after we made this turn
We saw a man laying on a cement ledge
And Jennell asked if he was dead
And I told her he was just napping
And about 20 minutes later
We decided to drive past again
And before we turned that corner again
I said "wouldn't it be funny if any ambulance were there?"
And we turned
...
And a fucking ambulance was there
Probably packing up this dead dude
FUCK.



These guys grabbed pizza at Classic Slice and went outside to eat
Because that dog was waiting outside for them
And it had just gotten fixed
I pet the dog
And let him lick my fingers
He was really cute
And I really love this photo

These people are my friends
They both are currently not in college
For different reasons that don't really matter
But they went into fucking Wal-Mart with those tinfoil masks on
And, oddly enough, were nothing new in the store



Goodnight, Milwaukee
I love you.
And your small skyline
<33

LOAF BOY

Welcome to my hopelessly out of touch life.

Today my friend Dustin posted on his blog and he scanned in a sheet of paper from when he was younger and trying to think of possible screen names... among his list were:

resident zombie
final flesh
metal snake
SOLID metal snake
(not to be confused with regular metal snake)
heavymetalrocker
punk of funk
broly the unholy
soul snatcher
hell beast
son of bitch

with a short list of (as he referred to them) "stupid" names:

eskimo man
loaf man
bread boy

and I started thinking about my first encounters with the internet
I remember my first AOL account was JellyBeanKid143
because that's what my mom called me when I was little
and sometimes still does
and I would go onto beanie baby chat groups
and I would tell everyone their beanie babies could not compare with mine
even if we had the same ones
and I would tell people that my beanie babies got shipped from far off places
as if beanie babies were unattainable in southeastern wisconsin or something
I also remember talking to a young boy on there named CHAZ
and we would fight about whose beanie babies were cooler
and if our beanie babies were to battle, which would win

I never put my beanie babies in a real battle, though
my mom would've killed me
we kept them all in a china cabinet in our front living room
and never even got to play with them

I later saw that beanie babies were becoming less popular
and suggested my mom sell them and put the money toward something cool
and she didn't
so we sit on hundreds...if not thousands...of dollars
in beans
fucking BEANS.




on the flip side, my brother's going home from the hospital on friday fa sho
I love him.