kill the king

I can only build if I tear the walls down.

I hate myself every day
for not having the time
that others all need from me

but what I hate most
is that my closest friends
apparently believed I was
strangling them

goals for summer:
try to find a way to enjoy brewing grounds again
spend more time with the friends I still have
spend more time with family
become comfortable with my body again
figure out how to de-stress without food

you make myyy dreams come truuue

bought Jennell a cassette
of fugazi's in on the kill taker
she digs it

Jason got me the bad time zoo preorder
for valentine's day
because he knew I would like
the bad time zoo box cutter
for work

he knows me better than I had expected
him to after only knowing me
for like 6 months

I'm incredibly satisfied with life
keep it up, 2011

"all my lame friends are pregnant"

standing in someone else's kitchen
chopping zucchini and yellow squash

you told me you're a terrible father

I don't believe that for a second.

pathetic

you have to realize at some point
that no matter how chill
and non-jealous
somebody seems
or really is
...
that they're just as human as you are
and that it never feels good
knowing that the silence in the room
is due to your conversations with
somebody you used to date

my highs are high
and my lows are low
and I feel uncomfortable
with how one bad day at work
can send me spiraling further down
even when I'm removed from the workplace

thunder-fucking-snow

snoprah Winfrey
Barack snobama
snovanni gallardo
snow country for cold men
blizzkrieg
apollo anton snohno
snowball you need is love

today I didn't go to work
there are six foot drifts around Wisconsin
and 16 foot waves coming off lake michigan
a civil danger warning has been cast across the state
and authorities have told everyone to stay in their homes

I'm stuck in a condo with two Jasons
watching ghost hauntings on the travel channel
on a 50" hitachi

I ate a banana for breakfast

my boyfriend is incredible
this week rules

can't wait for Sunday
GO PACK GO!

a healthy dose of positivity has the power to make it all better

this year I will spread a little bit of my positivity
in every city I visit.
I will not only travel for my leisure
but I will also bring something to leave
in each city
my own mark


I am going to make my own stickers.
watch out America

Monday evening

I am dating quite a dynamic individual
I wanna write about how fucking incredible
I think Jason Garcia is
by I know he wouldn't wanna hear it

I just wish he believed all the things
I say about him
cause they're all true
and he deserves to have a positive self image
much much more than I do

you make me think before I say things
you make me question everything
and pay more attention to my actions
you give me a venue for all of my affection
you help me maintain my positivity more than you'll ever agree with


and I am going to marry you someday
you just don't know it yet.

on second thought,
maybe you do


I'm quite in love, milwaukee
and the packers are goin to the supa booooowll!!

perpetual motion

Why don't
things
ever
stay the same
once you tell
someone
you
love them???

because you've transcended
the infancy of the relationship.

It stops being about you.

And instead it is entirely
about trying to keep
them interested in the
few things you have to
offer.

spitz.

I think something's wrong with me.

I meet somebody I'm convinced is perfect for me
and somewhat miraculously convince him to date me-
and a relationship begins.

I could've tackled the world
7 days a week in October.

So why have I yet again reverted back to being
moody, insecure
Crystal?

And it feels worse than ever.

I think I've allowed my past relationships with men
to really take their toll on my self esteem.
I've always taken so much pride in how
independent and confident I'm considered.

But when you have one period of time where you're
constantly itching to ask
"you're seeing someone else, aren't you?"
and you can't muster up the fucking courage
because it'll mean a fight
and sleeping in an empty bed again
...
...
...
it swallows you whole.

I'm glad I don't feel this way this week.

good grief

I live in fear
that somebody is going to
come along
and your eyes will
cease to
remain
fixated on me

this fear
the feeling it promotes
is devouring my insides

I am simply
or so very complexly
the product
of man and woman
two people never meant to fall in love


fuck