an outlet

over the last year
i began distancing myself
from my father

i became involved
with our coffee shop
consumed, even

my family experienced a lot
that was traumatizing
had to strengthen ourselves
for something we hadn't anticipated
never saw coming
and we've made it a long way despite
the circumstances

but my dad has changed

and not in a positive manner
so i don't feel close with him anymore

sometimes
you look back
and remember the good times
but can't seem to suppress all of the bad

i can't obtain my own personal nirvana
while my dad is constantly a grump about life

i want to tell him that.
i want him to know that i love him.
but that he's caused a lot of trauma to my adolescent self.




my parents' messy marriage
the fighting
the physical contact
the scapegoating on me
the divorce papers
the finalization

it still haunts me.

what happens

when you find somebody
that you like
and you spend a lot of time with them
and stay up ridiculously late at night with
and drink coffee with
and they tell you you're the coolest girl in the world
and that you're one of the first real people that they've met in Milwaukee
and a really great person

but for whatever reason,
you keep lusting after
somebody from your past
who is nothing but bad news
who is on a different page in life
somebody who continuously hurts you
inadvertently

what do you do then?

Carl Sagan, only you held the answer to this...
and you were merely mortal
placing me shit out of luck
as for answers

i have these thoughts in the summertime too

Currently freezing
Watching girls run down the sidewalk
Bad idea

Listening to Ander's Winter Mix
Wrapped in a blanket
Sitting in a booth at the shop
While all my friends play card games in the background
Trying to teach myself to create a PC game
Without writing all the damn code for one
I'll figure it out, I promise



Don't judge me if THIS ^^^ is what the outcome of this adventure is...

Today Rusty came by the shop
First time we actually hung out
It was rad
We played Jenga
I got a personal best on a game of Jenga
THIRTY-ONE LEVELS
The kid is really cool
I mean, meeting other straight edge people
Is always...refreshing.


It's nearly 2am
My eyes hurt so fucking bad
I think I'll go home
But it's barclose time
:[
And other peoples' driving worries me
Always


I wanted you to walk with me to the store today.
Next time.

out of step with the world

Whatever happened to boys asking to go out on proper dates?
Why is it that we all turn 21 and suddenly only go out to bars?
I don't need to prove to the world how old I am by
Bumming around bars
Heavy with the stench of smoke and liquor
I can think of at least 10 things I would rather do
That would be far less awkward than sitting in a bar
Sipping on a coke that cost significantly less than your cocktail
But still way more than I would like to spend on a beverage consisting mainly of ice

I guess I start getting picky about where guys take me out
Because I fail to recognize that most guys my age do not own a coffee shop
That they can take me to after hours and share French pressed coffee

And that most people my age are consumed by alcohol




Guess some days I am still just bitter old Xtal...

it was a mercy kill

making objects out of clay
talking about breasts
waltzing through the shop
hauling a keyboard around the east side
making up lyrics to a song about butts
a double shot of espresso

telling secrets underneath a table
midnight trips to zebb's
a short stack of pancakes

watching aqua teen
laughing at a miniature version of carl
laughing with somebody
until 3:30am

is something i can tolerate.

crystal, don't forget nights like these exist.
and cherish that you're staying in milwaukee
where you've belonged all along.

my life is something else...

tonight i walked,
camera in hand,
while jennell carried a huge keyboard around
...it was spontaneous.
she played beats on the keyboard.
a lot which made me laugh.
people stared.
i felt a connection with each of them.

i laughed a lot today, come to think of it.
so why do i still want to spontaneously combust?

Phyllis Newcombe...did you ever marry Mack?!?

THE ANSWER IS TWELVE.

oh fuck you, kenosha.

Wound up in this random town called Kenosha
Too close to Chicago
Meetin' fans of Sammy Sosa
Magnum with a hemi
And we dive into this bar
21 and still don't drink
Lucky the 7-up is on par

Make my way to the restroom
Relieve myself for free
Come back to my post
And what do I see
A girl too drunk to drive
Snogging other men
While her loyal boyfriend
Begs for her attention
Does anything he can

Keep my mouth shut
Lest I wind up in the midst
Of a bitter quarrel
What some call lover's tryst

Could be up on stage
Spittin' rhymes until bar close
But I'm a humble lady
In a room of cock suckin' hoes
No matter either way
Cause
I roll with Cause for Revelation
Let's get outta Kenosha
Done let these suckas see how we get
This reputation

Footnote: last night was
SEVEN SHADES OF FUCKED UP.
7sofu, i tell ya.

Fearless.

I mistook the cuddle bug
For a roll-y pole-y
And flicked it across the cement

And maybe it's better that way
Because you say you've changed
And I see what you mean
But you're not the person
That I see myself beside
When I close my eyes at night

I can't get him off my mind.

Hey Doll

Perfectly affectionate

Further reflection on the idea that I am chickenshit.

On the off chance that
you might actually be receptive
I'll just go for it
And try to hold your hand

Jack Bow-Wow...

Milam found her tonight
On North Ave. on the bridge
She doesn't have tags
But she is very sweet

Her name is
Jack Bow-Wow
'Cause Milam's roommates
Were watching 24
When Milam & Jennell
Brought the dog over

They then brought her by
Brewing Grounds
And I got to play with her
I love her
I hope she finds home


I hope someone is diligently
Seeking this dog out


<3

Once I was 16 years old...

I used to drive a '91 Plymouth Acclaim
That my sister-in-law gave to me

I used to drive my friends to shows
Allll the way from the 'burbs to Shorewood
Back in those days,
Shows were plentiful
Good shows
At least that's what we thought they were
And the Orchard Inn had shows
On a regular basis
My friends and I went there often
And one night
We took kite string
And filed off the
"PLYMOUTH"
&
"ACCLAIM"
decals that were on the back

Jennell took one home
And made a necklace out of it

I got a new car when I was 17
A '98 Pontiac Firebird
With T-tops
Looking back...
I should've gone with a sensible car
Something that handles well in snow
But I was 17
And had the money
And nobody to tell me not to do it

I was just a foolish child
And now I guess I am a "grown-up"

First Observation-Monday:

Listening to
The Smiths
Makes me feel pretty
Even on days
When I might not look
So pretty



Just an observation.

Carry on with your day.

Today is SUNDAY

I don't understand the point in today.
I have taken part in this day in the past
But I don't put some sort of emphasis on it
And it doesn't define anything about me
Nor do I care that I'm not doing anything this year.

Everybody at Cempazuchi is getting laid tonight.

Jennell: "Whoa!"
nodding & smiling
"Genghis Kahn had a lover."



I think I might be transforming into a puddle of gelatin.

I wanted to tell you that your smile makes my winter warmer
That your hugs send my mind into another realm
And that I think about you when I don't even realize I'm thinking
When you ask me what I'm thinking, I'm thinking about you
And I won't answer you with that
Because I realize it sounds childish
Or cliche
Or whatever the fuck it sounds like.

I like you.
Simply.

To elaborate:
I like being with you.
I like what we have in common.
I like our differences.
I like your face.
Your hands.
Your shoulders.
I welcome your touch.
I like to wink
Because it makes you smile
I genuinely care for you.
I hope that's OK
'Cause I hardly know you.



I like you because you are dorky enough to be mine.

"I hate this town..."

Tonight has been like a movie
Here I sit
Behind the counter of Brewing Grounds
By myself

In the room opposite me
I hear women reciting monologues
About vaginas
About their orgasms
Referred to as "floods"
About their uterus
And their sexcapades with
BURT FUCKING REYNOLDS

I rip the heads off of
Dinosaur chicken nuggets
Strewn about on a plate
With a barbecue sauce
Volcanic Centerpiece

A group of 3
Comes in asking if we still have
SETTLERS OF CATAAN
We do, delightfully
They order soy drinks & tea

A man comes in
Weathered by the weather
Exclaiming that he can't take it anymore
Telling me this city is dead
And that he hates it here
I politefully & quietly tell him
I disagree
He orders a hot cocoa for here
He asks me how I could love this place
I tell him, Brewing Grounds, for one
Along with my friends & family
And the general beauty of the city's somber buzz
He tells me his parents are dead
And his friend from high school died
And that the guys he plays tennis with
All argue on the courts by Lafayette Hill
He tells about how he hates the long winter
And I explain to him
How fortunate it is for the ugly
That is snows so much here
For snow can blanket anything
He sips his cocoa
Tells me it's
"pretty good"
This ends our conversation
He drinks quickly
Then leaves
Onto other people who will
Listen to his hatred
For the city I love so dearly



Milwaukee, I love you.
Don't ever fucking question that.

Dust of Snow

I love days like today
Last night was surreal,
In many ways, for me.

I got let down gently
Took a long walk
In the middle of a blizzard
I smiled when the wind
Whipped snow into my cheeks
And I thanked the parking cop
For only giving me a ticket
And not towing my car
I THANKED A PARKING COP.

But today is alright
I slept well
I usually have an alarm
To wake myself up
Every.Morning.
But today I got up on my own accord
And I am thankful for that

It is also 100% beautiful outside
Today, the city of Milwaukee
Is perfect
In every neighborhood
The snow covers up any ugly

I wish I had lived in 1947
When Milwaukee had an
EPIC BLIZZARD
That shut down the city
FOR DAYS
I mostly wish I were there
...
To experience a trolley ride

Did you know that Oakland Ave.
Used to have a line of trolley cars?



I WANT TO EXPERIENCE THIS!

A word from Crystal Schmidt:

FUCK.

Where does the good go?

Last night I had a lengthy conversation
About the definition of "love"
& how you know that you love somebody
Even if that love isn't always mutual

Came to the conclusion
That love is as follows:

When the happiness of someone else exceeds the importance of you being happy.

I like the idea of that
I like to think that someday
I might be able to have that again

Where I have someone to thank
For the fact that I smile
More than I am upset

I waste so much time going out to dinner
With guys that I develop no feelings for
I end up feeling like a jerk
Because I suggest we go dutch
And the guy insists he pay
And then I have to break it to him
That I'm not interested in him romantically
Which usually has to happen when they're
Desperately trying to grab my hand
And I am desperately trying to disappear




I think love is when
I can shut my mouth
And stop moving
And just hold somebody
Fully enveloped by the moment

summer song

In the last week
I have smiled so much


For the record,
video game dates
are my favorite


I went for a short bike ride today
My legs felt like jelly afterward
I think I need to start running soon

Hopefully the rest of winter
will be balmy
I say this just prior to
a huge blizzard
FUCK.

Milam pulled up a bunch of porn
on Jennell's laptop
while she was on a walk
Then he used her laptop
after the fact
He left himself logged in
on his email
Jennell posted a Craigslist ad
Male for Male
Mwahahahah
Revenge is so delicious
even if it's not by my hands

walkabout

when people used to ask me
"what do you want to be
when you grow up?"
i never knew that my answer
was supposed to be
a job title,
an occupation.

so i would answer:
"happy"
and that would end
the entire conversation

i began to think it
was a bad answer
but now that i'm
finding happiness
i know i was right
all along




i am all smiles, mom
aren't you proud?